Falling in Love
She came into my office unexpectedly and asked my secretary if she could meet with me for five minutes. I had known Janice for eighteen years. She was thirty-six years old, and had never been Marriage, throughout her years she has been engaged to many men; She was engaged to one of them for six years, to another for three years, and to many other men for shorter periods. From time to time, she would take an appointment with me to discuss a problem she encountered in one of her relationships. She was, by nature, a disciplined, conscientious, thoughtful, and careful person, and I could never begin with her nature. To come to my office suddenly; So I thought, there must have been some terrible crisis that had happened to Janice that caused her to come to my office without an appointment. I asked my secretary to let her in, and I was expecting her to burst into tears and tell me a new tragic story as soon as the door closed, but it happened. It was quite the opposite; She entered my office with great dignity, and her face showed joy and pleasure. I asked her: “How are you today, Janice?” She answered me, saying: “I am fine, but I have never been better off than I am today. I am getting married.” I said to her, and she seemed surprised: “Really, are you going to get married? Who and when?” She said in a confident voice: “I will marry David Gillespie in September.” I said to her: “This is very exciting. How long have you been engaged?” She replied, "Three weeks ago. I know this is crazy, Dr. Chapman. After all these men I've been engaged to, I'm about to get married now. I can't believe it myself, but I know that David is the right person for me." We knew that from the first meeting, and of course we did not talk about it at the time, but he asked me to marry him a week later. I knew that he would ask me to marry him, and I also knew that I would agree, because I had never felt such a feeling before. You know the relationships that I have established. Through my years, as well as the problems I faced, in every relationship there was something wrong, and I never liked the idea of marrying any of them, but I am sure that David is the right person.” At this time, Janice was swaying in her chair to Back and forth, and she says, laughing out loud: “I know this is crazy, but I am very happy. I have never been this happy before.” What happened to “Janice”? She fell in love. She sees “David” as the most beautiful man. She met him wonderfully, and that he would be a perfect husband. She thinks about him all the time. As for the fact that “David” has been married twice, has three children, and has moved between three jobs in the past year, that is of no importance to “Janice.” She feels happy. She is convinced that she will be happy forever with David. She has fallen in love. Most of us get married after going through the experience of "falling in love"; We meet someone whose physical characteristics and personality traits are sufficient to cause us the electric shock that raises the “love alarm” within us, so the bells begin to ring, and we begin the process of getting to know this person. Perhaps the first step is to share a hamburger sandwich or a slice of meat with him, depending. On a budget, but our primary goal is not food. Rather, we are on a journey to discover love. “Could this feeling that makes us feel warm and numb from the inside be true love?” Sometimes, we lose this feeling after the first meeting; We find the person we meet in a miserable state, and the feeling of numbness begins to disappear from our fingertips. Then we feel that we do not want to share the hamburger with her again. On the contrary, we find that at other times the feeling of numbness increases after eating the hamburger, so we agree that she should be there. Other times, “we are together,” and after a while this feeling becomes stronger, we find ourselves saying: “I think I am in love.” In the end, we are certain that this feeling is “true love,” and we tell the other party this, hoping that this feeling is Mutual, but if it is not mutual, then either our feelings towards him decrease a little, or we redouble our efforts until we influence him, and in the end we gain the love of our beloved, but if the feeling is mutual, then we begin to talk about marriage; Because we all agree that “falling in love” is the foundation required for a good marital relationship. At the end of the “falling in love” experience, we reach a feeling of extreme happiness, and we are in a stage of emotional obsession with each other, where one of us goes to his bedroom while still thinking about the other. And when we wake up, this person is the first thing we think about, and spending time together is the most wonderful thing in existence, and when our hands hold hands, we feel as if our blood is flowing into each other, and we can keep kissing each other forever if we don't have to go to school or work, Hugging stimulates dreams of marriage and feeling happy. A person “in love” has a deceptive feeling that his beloved is perfect; So his mother sees his beloved’s faults while he does not see them. His mother says to him: “My dear, are you aware that she has been undergoing psychological treatment for five years?” He replies to her, saying: “Oh, mother, take it slow, this ended three months ago.” His friends can see these flaws, but it is likely that they will not tell him about them unless he asks them to do so, and it is more likely that he will not; Because in his opinion, it is perfect, so he does not care what others see. Before marriage, we dream that our married life will be extremely happy, and we say: “Each of us will make the other very happy. Perhaps other husbands and wives will quarrel, but we will not do that. We love each other.” We know that there will be differences in the end, but we are sure that we will discuss these differences frankly, and one of us will always be ready to make concessions, and thus we will reach an agreement. It is difficult for you when you fall in love to believe anything other than that. This has led us to To believe that when we fall in love, it will last forever, that we will still feel the wonderful feelings we felt at that moment, that nothing will ever come between us, that nothing will overcome our love; We are fascinated and captivated by the beauty and attractiveness of the other party’s personality, and our love is the most wonderful thing we have experienced in our lives. We know that some husbands and wives have lost that feeling, but that will not happen to us. Because we explain that “they may not have had true love.” Unfortunately, the eternity of the experience of “falling in love” is something imaginary, not real; Dr. Dorothy Tenoff, a psychologist, has conducted many studies on the phenomenon of falling in love, and after studying dozens of husbands and wives, she concluded that the average lifespan of romantic obsession is two years, but if it is a renewed love, it may last longer. A little, and in the end we descend from this high horizon to put our feet on the ground again. Then our eyes open and we begin to see the very small flaws in the other party. We see that some of his or her personal characteristics actually arouse our discontent, and that his behaviors cause us distress. And that he has the ability to hurt and anger, and perhaps even direct harsh words and critical opinions; Such qualities that we overlooked when we fell in love, now become like mountains, and we remember the mother's words; One of us asks ourselves, How could I have been so foolish? Welcome to the real world of marriage. Where hair is always in need of cleaning, and women are covered with small white spots, and controversy centers on how to put the cleaning paper for the bathroom, and whether it is better to color the upper or lower eyelids, it is a world in which shoes are not used to enter the bathrooms, and underwear is not well-groomed. The coat is not placed on the holder, and the socks are hidden while being cleaned. In a world like this, a look can hurt, a word can destroy, intimate lovers can become enemies, and marriage becomes an endless battle. What happened to the experience of falling in love? Unfortunately, it was nothing but an illusion that we were deceived by, and we registered our names in the signature box. For better or for worse, it is no wonder that many of us have begun to curse marriage and the life partner that we once loved. Despite all this, if we are deceived, we have the right to be angry and wonder whether we really had “true” love? I believe so, but the reason is that Our information was wrong. Wrong information about the idea that the obsession with “falling in love” lasts forever. We must have deeper knowledge, and we must know you. A spontaneous observation that if this feeling continued, we would all be in serious trouble, which is that the effects of these shock waves will affect... On society as a whole: business, industry, places of worship, and education; Why? The reason for this is that these people who "fall in love" do not care about anything else; That is why we call it obsession. A student who falls in love will see his grades drop. This is because it is difficult for a person to study while he is in love, if the next day you have a test in history, but who cares about such a subject? The person who falls in love finds that anything other than that is worthless, and he said Someone once said to me: “Dr. Chapman, my business is collapsing.” I asked him: “What do you mean by that?” He said to me: “I met that girl, and I fell in love with her, and now I cannot accomplish anything. I cannot think about my work. I spend my entire day dreaming of her.” The feeling of overwhelming happiness when falling in love gives us a deceptive feeling that we have begun. An intimate relationship, so we feel that each of us belongs to the other, we believe that we can overcome any problem, and we feel jealous of each other; This feeling gives us the false feeling that our selfish desires have disappeared, and that we can become “like Mother Teresa,” that is, to sacrifice anything for the sake of those we love; The reason we can do this willingly is that we are sure that the other party shares the same feelings. The man believes that she has devoted herself to meeting his needs, and she believes that he loves her more than she loves him, and that he will not do anything to hurt her feelings one day. Days. This feeling is always imaginary, not because we are not honest in what we feel and think; But because we are not realistic; Therefore, we fail to realize the truth of human nature. It is human nature that they are selfish. The world is progressing around us, and no one of us has complete influence over ourselves. However, the overwhelming feeling of happiness when “falling in love” gives us this illusionary feeling. Once the experience of falling in love takes its natural course (remember that the average age of the experience of falling in love is only two years), the two life partners will return to the world of reality, and each of them will begin to prove his strength, and will begin to express his desires, but they will be different from the desires of his life partner. He wants to have an intimate relationship, and she is very tired. He wants to buy a new car, and she says: “This is ridiculous.” She wants to visit her parents, and he says: “I don’t like to spend a lot of time with your family.” He wants to Participating in a baseball competition, and she says to him: “You love baseball more than you love me,” and little by little, this imaginary feeling ends and goes unheeded, and a person’s desires, emotions, private thoughts, and personal behaviors begin to appear. They have become two people after they were one person, Their minds are no longer connected to each other, and their feelings were mixed in the sea of love only for a short period, and now the waves of truth have begun to separate them. They are no longer immersed in love, and at this point, they either separate and divorce occurs between them, and each of them begins the journey of searching for a new experience to fall into. Love, or for them to work hard to learn how to love each other without feeling the overwhelming happiness that accompanied the experience of falling in love. Some researchers, including psychiatrist Scott Peck and psychologist Dorothy Tenoff, have concluded that it is not possible Applying the word “love” to the experience of falling in love in any way, and the scientist “Tinoff” coined the word “limerance” for the experience of falling in love; To distinguish it from what is considered true love, Dr. Beck concluded that the experience of falling in love is not considered true love for three reasons: The first is that falling in love is not a voluntary act, and there is no conscious choice, and it does not matter to what extent we want to fall in love; Because it does not happen accordingly, and on the contrary, we may not want to go through this experience while we are immersed in it, and we often fall in love at the wrong time, and with people we do not want. Secondly: falling in love is not considered true love; Because the person does not put any effort into it, all that is required in the case of falling in love is simple organization and conscious effort; The long calls we exchange, the money we spend while traveling to see each other, the gifts we exchange, and the projects we undertake do not mean anything to us. Just as the innate nature of a bird dictates that it build a nest, it also prompts those who fall in love to do strange things. And unfamiliar for the sake of those they love. Third: The person who “falls in love” is not really interested in encouraging the personal growth of the other party. “If we have any goal in mind when falling in love, it must be to end the loneliness that we live in. Perhaps marriage is to confirm its end. The experience of falling in love does not focus on our growth or the growth and development of the other party, but rather it gives us the feeling that we have arrived and that we do not need to grow more than that, so we feel that we have obtained the greatest amount of love that we can get. It is in life, and certainly we see that the other party does not need to grow because he is already perfect, and we only want him to remain perfect. If the experience of falling in love is not true love, what is it? Dr. Beck says: “It is an innate structure determined by The Genetic Path to Elven Behavior In other words, the temporary collapse of individual egoism that leads to falling in love is an identical reaction for all human beings; To restructure internal sexual drives and external sexual stimuli, which leads to increased probability of mating and sexual connection, and enhances the ability of the species to survive. The experience did not make them revolve in an emotional orbit like anything they had experienced before, as if this experience made us lose our mental ability, and we sometimes find ourselves doing and saying things that we would not do in more serious times than those times, and in fact, when we wake up from this emotional obsession, we often What we wonder and wonder is how we did things like this, and when these waves of feelings subside and we return to real life, where the differences that exist between us become apparent, most of us wonder: “Why did we get married? We have nothing in common.” However, at the height of the stage of falling in love, we think... We agree on everything, or at least on important things. Does this mean that when we are deceived by the illusion of falling in love and getting married, we have one of two choices: (1) that we are destined to live a miserable life with our life partner, or (2) that we are destined to live a miserable life with our life partner, or (2) To escape from this marriage and try again? Our generation chose the second option, while the previous generation usually chose the first option, and before we automatically conclude that we chose the best option, perhaps we should study some data. At the present time, there is 40% of first marriages end in divorce, 60% of second marriages, and 75% of third marriages end in the same way; These data show that the possibility of obtaining happiness the second or third time is not real. It appears from this research that there is a good third alternative, which is that we must give the experience of falling in love its true value as a stage of temporary emotional excitement after which we begin searching for true love with our partner in life. This love is sentimental in nature, but it is not obsessive. It is the love that links reason and emotion. It is linked to the will, requires order, and recognizes the need for personal development. What we need most from an emotional standpoint is not to fall in love, but to feel love from others, and to We encounter love that is through reason and choice, not instinct; A person needs to feel love from a person who chose to love him, and saw in him something worthy of his love. This type of love requires effort and discipline. It is a choice that makes you exert all your energy for the sake of the other party, convinced that if what you do will result in improving the life of the person you love, You will feel satisfied because you truly loved someone, and that does not require feeling the overwhelming happiness that you feel when falling in love. In fact, love cannot begin except after going through the experience of falling in love, and this experience takes its course. We do not deserve That is, praise for all the things we do while under the influence of this “obsession with love”; Because we do so under the influence of an instinctive force that goes beyond our normal rules of behavior, but once we return to the real world of human choice, and choose to be compassionate and tolerant, that is what true love is. The compassionate need for love must be satisfied if we wish to enjoy a life. A healthy emotional state, and married adults yearn to feel loved by the other party. We feel secure when we are sure that our life partner accepts us, wants us, and is loyal to us. We felt all these feelings when we were in the stage of falling in love, and the feeling was wonderful when It lasted for a period of time, and it was our fault that we felt that it would last forever. But this feeling was not to last; According to the rules of marriage, it is nothing more than an introduction, but what marriage is based on is rational, voluntary love, and this is just the love that the wise call us to, and this applies to all societies, and this is good news for married couples who have lost the feelings that were at the stage of falling in love; Because if love is a choice, then they can love each other again after the obsessive phase that accompanied “falling in love” has ended, and they have returned to real life again. This type of love begins after adopting a certain way of thinking, so love is the approach. The one who says: “I am married to this person, and I have chosen to care about him,” then the person who has chosen to love will find appropriate ways to express the decision. Perhaps some will say: “But this seems like a sterile system. Is love an approach with certain behaviors? So how? One feels sublime feelings and deep feelings? What about the spirit of sharing, the twinkling of the eyes, the heat of kissing, and the excitement of intimate relationships? What about the emotional security that one feels when he knows that he is the most important priority of the one he loves? These are the topics that this book discusses: How can one Are we fulfilling the other person's deep emotional need to make him or her feel loved? If we learn this and choose to do it, the love we experience will feel more exciting than the one we felt at another time. For many years I have discussed the five love languages in my seminars on marital relationships, as well as in my marriage sessions. A private consultant, thousands of husbands and wives have proven the validity of what you are about to read now, and I also keep many letters that I received from people I do not know in which they said to me: “One of my friends lent me a tape about your five love languages, and it has made a difference.” In our married life, we tried hard for many years to love each other, but our attempts failed. Now that we speak love languages that agree with us, the emotional nature of our marriage has improved greatly.” When your partner's love tank is full and he is certain of your love, the world will be brighter for both of you, and he will be able to reach his best opportunity in life. But if the love tank is empty and your partner feels used and not loved, the world will seem bleak and he will never reach any good opportunity in this life. In the following five chapters I will explain the five languages of love, and in the ninth chapter I will explain to you how discovering your partner’s basic love language in... Life can make everything you do to express your love extremely effective.
From the book The Five Love Languages
